Thursday, October 22, 2009

Transporter Malfunction

Star date April 26, 2008. Destination Big Bear, altitude 7,000 feet, purpose of mission is to experience food, fellowship and fun! There must have been a transporter malfunction on the way to my destination, it's the only explanation for the unfamiliar body I have now. There must have been a very sick slug or maybe a rotten potato in the transporter room with me because the body I now have is slow and sick. Yes I admit it, I'm a Star trek fan, and proud of it.

I guess you could say I'm having an identity problem. I am not a SLUG! I struggle every day with this body that I don't recognize and refuse to except. The only problem is no matter how hard I try to tell myself that this new Michele is not real, my body reminds me that it is. This body with little energy, nausiated every morning, purple hands and feet, fatigue, heart palpitations, shortness of breath, heat intolerance and medications that are more like poison than healers.

What happened to the Michele I've grown accustom to over the past 48 years. Where did I go. Part of me was left in that transporter room. What happened to the Michele who could garden for hours, who loved to shop till I dropped, who could clean from dawn 'til dusk, who could hike with an attitude because those I was with couldn't keep up. Where is the woman who could watch one of my students soccer game in the sun and only worried about getting a sun burn. What happened to the Michele who loved being involved in an amazing ministry 3 days a week, what happened to being out 5 nights a week volunteering or at church. What happened to the full weekends? What happened to the woman who enjoyed being healthy and physically fit. Where did I go?

I am trying to adjust and accept this new and unfamiliar Michele. I'm just having trouble letting go of the old me, and just as I begin to adjust and accept this new me, a new symptom of this disease pops up and I have to start all over again. I do what I can, and I am thankful of what I can do. I have two amazing children who help me alot. I have some wonderful friends who stand by my side, I have a great job that I love, I still have all my body parts, and I don't have cancer. God is good, I see His miricles working in my life every day. I am amazed that I arrive to work so nausious I can barely stand it, but when my students walk in, I feel almost normal, then when the children leave the symptoms come back full force. I call it my working miracle.

There are some positive changes to my psyche since my diagnosis of POTS, I am more resourceful, patient, and thankful. Life is a waste if we don't learn from our experiences, and I'm going to try to learn as much from this experience as I can. In the mean time;


Always inspired,


  1. enjoyed your blog yet again :) I just changed my look... tell me what ya think.

  2. Ah Michele...This was brilliant and what i have been waiting for some one to write about..It is so close to home it's not funny, it is a battle i strugle with everyday, where am i and where did i go, i don't accept change very well or limitation's, frustration comes to mind big time, but yet couldn't even begin to explaine how i really feel, but after twelve year's, i do what i can and will continue to and live in hope i will find some kind of miracle..Hope is some thing no one can take from me, not even rotten disease's...We may not feel normal, but we are special every single one of us.. :0) :0)
    Thanks' Michele!!
    Trace :0)